Irreconcilable Differences

            I want a divorce! No, not from my wife, I want one from myself. You see I’m starting to realize that I have irreconcilable differences within my own psyche.

            Those of you that know me or even if you’ve just read my columns you probably think that I tend to lean towards the pessimistic. You would be correct if you just looked at my writings or even the outward persona I portray in public. But if you were to look at just my actions you might actually think I was an optimist.

            So what are these optimistic actions I’m talking about? First and foremost would be the big move to California 16 years ago. We left the life we knew so well for an unknown opportunity 3000 miles away. Then after just 18 months we bought a house that we really couldn’t afford in a community we didn’t know anything about. A couple years later I invested everything I had to start a business in this same community.

            That’s the more recent stuff; I have a whole long history of blindly diving into jobs and businesses.

            I seem to have a negative outlook on life, yet I always act like I can make it better. See what I mean? Irreconcilable differences between my thoughts and my actions.

Here’s another example of the ambiguity in my life. One of the reasons I moved to California was to be closer to my Mother and siblings. I thought that since we had lived so far apart for 25 years it would make me feel more like part of the family if we were in closer proximity. But the reality is that we’re not a close knit family, never were, never will be. What I realize is that it’s not about the miles, it’s about the emotions. Or in the case of my family it’s the lack there of. It’s not that we don’t love each other or wouldn’t do whatever we had to do to help each other. It’s that we don’t have a strong emotional need to show it.

But that last example is another case of that irreconcilable difference in my mind. Even though I don’t have a need to show much emotion towards my own family when I see sappy family crap on TV or at the movies I get all teary eyed and really can’t control it.

OK, enough of the family and emotional issues, that’s just kid stuff. Let’s get to the really big issues; you know life and death stuff. That’s where I have the real psychological conundrum, reconciling living and dying. I don’t mean death per se since that’s inevitable for all of us and I’m resigned to that. What I’m talking about is the half glass thing, pessimist versus optimist. That’s my big issue, am I living life or am I just killing time and going through the motions until the inevitable end? I mean all my life I’ve heard the hype about “live life to the fullest” or “don’t worry, be happy” but that’s just not me.

Don’t get me wrong, for all intensive purposes I consider myself a happy person and I have enjoyed many moments in my life but have I ever “seized the day”? I don’t think so. Sure I’ve lived many a day but most of them without much forethought or planning. I’ve always pretty much just lived my life in the moment. I’ve never had a “life’s plan” or given much thought to the future.

I never thought I would be this age; it was just one day after the next and now I’m here.

I never thought about a long term relationship or marriage but 35 years ago Diane and I were spending so much time at each other’s apartments that we figured we should just live in one. Four years later she changed jobs and I didn’t think she should be without health insurance so I suggested we get married and two weeks later we did. Now 31 years on I couldn’t imagine it any other way but I sure didn’t plan it.

I never thought about having kids, no I take that back. I did think about NOT having kids. Lucky for me and my marriage that Diane wasn’t very interested in kids either.

So not having a plan is how I’ve lived my life but contrarily I really like things in order. One of my biggest sayings is “a place for everything and everything in its place”.

So all that’s another irreconcilable difference, who I am verses how I am.

Damn, now I’m even more confused with myself than when I started writing this column. I think it’s just time to call it a night and go to bed. Because as I always say, “there’s always tomorrow, or not”.

To view the column in it's original form go to page 15 of the following link. Winters Express 10/1/15