As some of you have noticed and commented to me, I haven’t
written anything in a while. One of the
excuses I've used for not writing is my fear that I may say something that
could embarrass my employers. I am fairly open about my life when I’m writing and
unfortunately I am not in a financial position to not care about staying
employed. Thinking about that fear and fear in general has helped me realize
and acknowledge how much of a motivating or rather un-motivating factor it’s
been in my life.
“My name is Edmund and I’m a Scaredy-Cat.” Is there a 12 step
program for that? Seriously, as far back as I can remember I've always been
afraid of getting “Hurt”. I’m talking both physical but primarily emotional
pain. On the physical side I can honestly say that at 56 years old I have
never, ever, been in a fight. I have always avoided physical confrontation by
any means necessary, including flight, deception, or if need be submission. I’m
not proud of that record and I've always wished that I could fight back but
that’s my point, my fear has always dominated my actions. So where does that
fear come from? Is there a gene that controls the basic instincts of Fight vs.
Flight? Or is it early life experiences?
Now for the Ignorance part of the title. This may get a
little confusing so try and follow me. My fear comes from lack of ignorance. Huh? Yes, that’s right. When I am ignorant of
the consequences, I am not afraid of the action. Let me give you a few examples.
When I was around 5 years old and living in Argentina there
was a tall armoire in my bedroom, there were also bunk beds with a removable
railing. That railing looked like a ladder so I decided to use it to climb up the
armoire. I leaned it upright and started to fearlessly climb up the ladder.
Unfortunately it slid out from under me and I crashed to the floor breaking my
arm. I don’t know if it’s a direct result of that but I’m now afraid and very
uncomfortable climbing up ladders.
As an adult I got fired from a good paying job because I was
ignorant of the possibility that not showing up to receive a commemorative
watch could get me fired. If I had even the smallest inkling, I would have
taken the friggin watch. Shortly after that I was offered an opportunity to buy
a restaurant and being ignorant of how much work it would be for so little
return I jumped on it. Even here in
Winters when I decided to invest my inheritance in Steady Eddy’s it was out of
ignorance because I didn't do enough homework and I let myself get talked into
making it a bigger space than I originally wanted.
I’ve told those stories before and everyone thinks I was
brave or courageous to stand up to my boss or start my own business. But the
reality is I was fearless because I was ignorant.
As for emotional fear, I can’t give you direct “cause & affect”
examples like with the physical but let’s just say it’s probably my father’s
fault. Remember me being in Argentina as a kid? Well that was because after
moving to the states and having 5 children my dad decided that we were cramping
his style and sent my mom and us packing to Argentina. Then he felt guilty and
back we came. Without going into all the details let’s just say life with my
father was an emotional roller coaster.
Of all my fears, I think the fear of
rejection has been the most debilitating. Through all of high school I only
went out on one date and that one was because she kind of asked me out. Even
with my wife Diane, it took me months to get up the courage to ask her out. And
that was after the years I had been in door to door sales which were filled
with rejection but of a different kind.
One of the main problems of the inaction caused by fear is
the years or even lifetime of regret and wondering “what if”? Of course you
can’t fix or relive the past all you can do is live life for today and keep move
forward. For me, even with all my fears I still head into the unknown future
because as I’m too fond of saying, “Ignorance is Lis”.
To view the column in it's original form go to page 12 of the following link. Winters Express 7/11/13
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